Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
