He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
be right there i have to get my cape
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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