My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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