Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
