Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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