I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
