Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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