I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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