i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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