those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
