i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
