I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Randomize
