haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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