At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
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