you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize