but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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