When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize