I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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