There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
