My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
this hospital has no fireball
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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