I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
