i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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