Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
