Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
