No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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