I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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