She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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