I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
two words...techno handjob
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
