im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize