no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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