I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
