i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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