I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I will be naked everywhere
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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