And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
