my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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