the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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