like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
