I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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