I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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