I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
