the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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