i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
