I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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