The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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