i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I think I won the penis lottery.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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