I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
