i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
