i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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