your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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