If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
