I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
