Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
