i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
