It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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