I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
