I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
