Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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