I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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