I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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