He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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