so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
