last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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