dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
